England's accidental tourists - the forwards
England are travelling to South Africa with a squad peppered with virtual unknowns, so in a spirit of information, here is the lowdown on England’s new kids on the block – and a few kind words on the senior members too! We kick off with the forwards…
The Forwards:
Alex Brown (Gloucester)
Gloucester’s very own cheese-wire cut through the hearts of opposition line-outs this season, with leading stats on both throws and steals. Although grimly determined in the loose, some find him a tad lightweight and ineffective and he is surely not the powerhouse England need at lock. Good tackle count but should easily be outmuscled by the power Boks.
Test Chances – 1 out of 2 Biltong for Boks.
Ben Skirving (Saracens)
England’s back row has featured a lantern-jawed eight for the last millennium or so. Skirving’s last-minute inclusion shows how his stock has fallen since a complete rebuild of his shoulder, but taking into consideration the paucity of brawny ball carriers in the tour party his inclusion will be welcomed in most quarters.
Test Chances – 1/2 Buzz Lightyear returns.
Darren Crompton (Bristol)
No doubt Flippie Van Der Merwe’s former butcher in Potchefstroom will be looking to sign the big fella to assist with some promotional eating. However big DC does what it says on the tin. Honest, a reliable scrummager and that is it. Rumour has it England’s new red away shirts have been inspired by Crompton to be more flattering to players’ waistlines.
Test Chances – 1/2. The Vaalies will adore him.
Andy Hazell (Gloucester)
Absolutely the stand out back-rower in England, but this race is a lightweight hot hatch alongside the Springbok muscle cars. Nevertheless, his engine, handling and commitment are peerless and he’ll walk off knowing he’s given his best.
Test Chances – 2/2 with one start. No-one will notice though.
Nick Easter (NEC Harlequins)
Resembling a slightly more skillful version of Jason Leonard, Easter’s all round game this season has deservedly gained him selection. Party boy Nick needs to show that he can carry muscle and ball, as well as pies and beer. Great hands for a big lad, Easter will be a banker to start both Tests, but in Buxton’s absence he might be pressed into service at six.
Test Chances – 2/2. Braai chance.
Chris Jones (Sale Sharks)
Sale’s own lamp post has never really penetrated past the gloom of Edgeley Park. Talented, but like the genie of Leicester’s lamp Austin Healey, due to his own versatility Jones has never really settled to impress as a specialist in any position. Undoubtedly, his best option is at lock, but unless he goes eating with Easter and Crompton he’ll be under the real international fighting weights.
Test Chances – 2/2 with one start. God knows where.
Magnus Lund (Sale Sharks)
Billed as a pure seven, he became a diluted six and a half, and whilst possessing a technically precise style, he has failed to impose himself physically at international level possibly due to a necessity to adjust his headguard every 17 seconds. Lund has a lot of billing to live up to and needs to add the edge of a true seven to compete with Schalk.
Test Chances – 1/2. Lycraman against the Incredible Hulk.
Dean Schofield (Sale Sharks)
An unsung hero at Sale, Schofield will finally sing his country’s tune. Hugely influential, hard and nousy, he’s got the balls to take it to the Bulls but whether he’ll have the skill or the chance to edge it is a moot point.
Test Chances – 1/2 at best. He’ll enjoy the craic.
Andy Titterrell (Sale Sharks)
A bit like Francis Baron in that he seems to have been around for ever but no-one knows quite what he does. A bits and pieces player in a bit part role.
Test Chances – 0/2. Not even the Vatican is that short of hookers.
Mark Regan (Bristol)
‘Babs’ Regan seems to have featured in more British carry-ons than Babs Windsor. However, the chance to become the oldest person to wear an international shirt in South Africa since Nelson Mandela has rejuvenated the old war horse. Ronnie will be inspirational and give all in an attempt to fill the RWC hooker’s shirt at last.
Test Chances – 2/2 He won’t budge an inch.
Stuart Turner (Sale Sharks)
Yet to show anything like the class of an international tighthead and his selection shows the dearth of world class props in the English game. His one claim to fame is that whilst he’s around, Os’s doctor will have no reason to prescribe Tamazepan. He can play on both sides, but one wonders which side would benefit most from his selection.
Test Chances 1/2 He’ll be capped on the premise he’s an available English prop.
Matt Cairns (Saracens)
Despite a fierce turn of pace and a good pair of hands, Saracens’ commitment to picking a minimum of six line-out options every match should tell you Cairns’s throwing is best described as hopeful rather than accurate. Again, a front rower capable only of mediocrity.
Test Chances – 1/2. Only Murali’s throw is worse.
Pat Sanderson (Worcester Warriors)
Sanderson’s name is synonymous with disastrous tours, and whilst this secured his selection, he might be the one player that still has a point to prove to Ashton. As there are two other openside flankers in the side and no real blindsides, he’s almost sure to be played out of position again. Sanderson is the best option England have of playing a pacey ball carrier in the back row although whether or not he’s strong enough to offload is debatable.
Test Chances 2/2 Good player badly used.
Roy Winters (Bristol)
If there is a form horse picked it would be this old nag about to go out to grass. Winters’s form has been inspirational for Bristol this season, he’ll go bare knuckle brawling with the best and has more than most between his elastoplast. He’ll add a lot to a potentially lightweight pack.
Test Chances 2/2 Winters’ winter down under.
Nick Wood (Gloucester)
Wood is the best English propping prospect since Trevor Woodman first sucked at a Cornish pasty. A gifted ball player, he is learning quickly to add formidable scrummaging to his talents.
Test Chances – 2/2 from the bench. One for the future if not one to start.
Kevin Yates (Saracens)
Hannibal does for Saracens what Bill Young did for Australia. He makes sure that scrums don’t get stuffed, that line-outs get won and ball is secured. In a nutshell he’s streetwise.
Test Chances 2/2 He certainly knows where to eat.
By James Griffith
