The Punch and Moody show

New disciplinary regulations creating a playground atmosphere

With the Wallabies reeling form three consecutive defeats, Jeremy Balkin – a reader from Australia – reflects on what went wrong and what needs putting right.

Joyce Grenfell's charming sketch about a schoolmistress keeping her cool in a classroom of riotous children was the first thing that popped into my mind when Leicester's press release dropped into my inbox.

For the record, Tigers' coach Pat Howard instructed Lewis Moody to drive over to Leeds (a three-hour round trip) and apologise in person to the bloke he punched – sorry, 'struck' is the current official term for acts of pugnacious villainy – during an Guinness 'A' League game last Monday.

Leicester have also suspended Moody for four weeks, a significant amount of time – but nowhere near the official dictate for acts 'striking'.

Presumably, Howard will also send Moody out into the streets of Leicester with an A-board hanging off his shoulders displaying the slogan 'I shall ne'er again smite my counterparts', then Moody will preach sermons for the four weeks at the local chapel.

After each service he will be sent to serve Sunday lunches at all of Leicestershire's old people's homes, and when lunch is over he will tutor budding Quakers for the afternoon.

At the end of the four weeks, Moody will once again drive to Leeds, present Jordan Crane – the recipient of Moody's 'strike' – publicly with a bunch of begonias, and then sit down in Leeds City Square, where members of the 'bullied off a rugby field, wasn't expecting the knocks' society for big girls' blouses will shear Moody's blonde locks off and sell them to raise funds for the financially-stricken Leeds soccer club (such gentlemen).

Anything, in fact, to prevent the RFU handing out the ban that the guidelines said would not be excepted for anyone under any circumstances – 12 weeks.

You have to wonder what, in fact, Moody and Crane would have said to each other, had Crane not displayed a breathtakingly sensible attitude in saying that he had other commitments.

LM: "Alright."

JC: "Not bad, you?"

LM: "Yeah, pretty good. Need to have a chat with you, actually … if you have a minute?"

JC: "Sure."

LM: (looking sheepish and addressing his toes) "Well it's about that game last week. I think I got a little carried away, and, erm, I, well, I – my arm came around a bit high, and my fingers happened to be clenched in a ball, and I felt my hand hit something. I wasn't really looking, but when I turned around you were on the floor, so I guess it must have been your jaw that I felt – it was pretty hard – and, well, I just wanted to say sorry…"

JC: "That's ok."

Then Pat Howard and Phil Davies come around the corner, congratulate Crane on being a very mature young man, tell Moody that he has learned a very valuable lesson and then watch paternally as the two players walk away, arm in arm, promising to be best of friends from ever and ever.

Then both Moody and Crane return to their own groups of mates and start slagging each other off.

Gloucester were the latest club to join in the 'if we punish internally then the RFU might not notice' club on Tuesday, when they suspended hooker Rob Elloway, also for 'striking' (we are having a sweepstake in the office as to when the offence will officially be known as 'smiting') for two whole weeks, an even more daring ten weeks short of the official line.

Elloway's words in the aftermath were also pretty special.

"I accept the findings of the internal disciplinary hearinre," he grovelled.

This was a HOOKER who said this. He must have been stretched out on a rack. Either that or he too was threatened with having to make a personal apology to his opposite number. You can just imagine Dean Ryan suggesting that course of action to Elloway: "That'll be nice won't it … yes, it WILL Rob."

It is getting a little pathetic. Are we to be subjected to the theatrical apologies and ridiculously parodied gestures of sportsmanship that soccer is so famous for?

Rugby is, and always has been refreshing for its honesty in contact and efficiency of discipline – particularly between players who both know that an occasional overspill of aggression will forever be a part of the game.

There is no problem with upping the penalties for violent play, all players – except maybe Danny Grewcock – are intelligent enough to know that there is more pressure to control themselves now. The longer bans will eradicate all but the most stupid offenders, who will in time eradicate themselves by simply getting banned for too long.

Players are being forced to behave like schoolchildren who are caught putting beetles in the headmistress' desk drawer – which is about the level of offence which most punches genuinely represent. Some will claim the players are setting an example, but the only example really being set is how to lie through your teeth and wangle your way out of the intended punishment.

The RFU have set 12 weeks as the likely punishment. Leicester and Gloucester have started the haggling at four and two respectively.  Let there be no flexibility because of good acting. Otherwise it will not be long before the rest of the players are wearing shiny shirts, kissing each other when they score a try, and falling over at the merest hint of a touch from their opponent…

By Danny Stephens